Thursday, March 29, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Disorder in the court
hilarious!
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh#tting me?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law.
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh#tting me?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
British ? WTF ?
Spotted at Woolworths, Redfern, Sydney.
Wars have been fought over less. They have gotta be kidding ! It's an iconic South African sausage. Someone take this to the WTO before there is a serious diplomatic incident :()..... and by the way it's spelt "boerewors" ....Response from Cape Town (Kaapstad):
“Take a community of Dutchmen of the type of those who defended
themselves for fifty years against all the power of Spain at a time
when Spain was the greatest power in the world.
Intermix with them a strain of those inflexible French Huguenots who
gave up home and fortune and left their country for ever at the time
of the revocation of the Edict of Nantes. The product must obviously
be one of the most rugged, virile, unconquerable races ever seen upon
earth.
Take this formidable people and train them for seven generations in
constant warfare against savage men and ferocious beasts, in
circumstances under which no weakling could survive, place them so
that they acquire exceptional skill with weapons and in horsemanship,
give them a country which is eminently suited to the tactics of the
huntsman, the marksman, and the rider.
Then, finally, put a finer temper upon their military qualities by a
dour fatalistic Old Testament religion and an ardent and consuming
patriotism. Combine all these qualities and all these impulses in one
individual, and you have the modern Boer - the most formidable
antagonist who ever crossed the path of Imperial Britain."
themselves for fifty years against all the power of Spain at a time
when Spain was the greatest power in the world.
Intermix with them a strain of those inflexible French Huguenots who
gave up home and fortune and left their country for ever at the time
of the revocation of the Edict of Nantes. The product must obviously
be one of the most rugged, virile, unconquerable races ever seen upon
earth.
Take this formidable people and train them for seven generations in
constant warfare against savage men and ferocious beasts, in
circumstances under which no weakling could survive, place them so
that they acquire exceptional skill with weapons and in horsemanship,
give them a country which is eminently suited to the tactics of the
huntsman, the marksman, and the rider.
Then, finally, put a finer temper upon their military qualities by a
dour fatalistic Old Testament religion and an ardent and consuming
patriotism. Combine all these qualities and all these impulses in one
individual, and you have the modern Boer - the most formidable
antagonist who ever crossed the path of Imperial Britain."
Postscript 31 AUGUST 2011 :
“ENGLISH” SAUSAGE, CALLED “BOERWORS?” (in Sydney, nogal!)
Hulle wil net nie leer nie ! They name one end of Anfield “The Kop”, in memory of the (brave) men who died @ Spioenkop, now they try this not-so-subtle approach at reviving the Boerwars?
Aan daai Rooinekke in julle eie taal : “Be warned, very warned – Bakkies knows your number in the scrum and Bismarck knows where you live !”
Ons vat nie k*k van kabouters nie en, weer in julle “Ingels”, when you feel the pressure in the rear of the scrum, know that the “Boerwors” is coming through !
C.C. Schalk – if/when you “bump” into Toby (pretty name) or Johnny, please instruct them in the correct use of the term “Boerewors” in a formidable fashion….Dankie/Thank you.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
these Lady Gaga peeps
spotted at The Marble Bar, Hilton Sydney.
Birthday drinks
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
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